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Women take the lead with bitterness
2006-03-09 08:27:13
By Betty Okere
During our school days, girls were motivated to work hard and master some subjects which were believed to be hard nuts to crack and perhaps were ”the preserves” of the boys.
Genius girls were seen always walking with boys for the former concentrated a lot in studies and couldn’t swallow hearsays and nonsense.
This school mentality shaped societal ideas that men lead and women follow, a mis conceived approach that was timed.
Until very recently, men were regarded as the main breadwinners in the home.
However, as more women enter the workforce, especially at the levels, they have taken over the mantle of being sole providers, especially in cases where their spouses have abdicated their financial responsibilities.
Unfortunately, in most of these cases, the man’s irresponsibility not only means his wife has to pay the rent, school fees, medical bills e.t.c, but also that the family falls into a spiral of indebtness.
Given the pressures of social expectations, such a man may also be physically and verbally abusive to his wife and children.
Mwanaidi, a mother of three, has a bitter tale to tell.
She had been married for almost 14 years to Hussein, a bank clerk, when she was laid off after a difficult third pregnancy during which she was on bed rest most of the time.
The family underwent a difficult time because Mwanaidi’s salary was largely used for their upkeep.
A good cook, Mwanaidi started a home-based catering business for weddings, parties and other social functions at the urging of her friends.
The worst was to come after Hussein was let go in the bank’s retrenchment programme. Mwanaidi now wholly supported the family on her meagre earnings.
However, because Hussein had usually handled the paying of all bills, she continued to give him the rent money, frustrated by his bad fortune, he started drinking heavily but Mwanaidi, who also supported his habit by giving him spending money, did not suspect that he would be so irresponsible as to use the rent money on his drinking sprees.
One morning before living for work, Mwanaidi was confronted by a group of auctioneers. To her rude shock, she discovered that their rent was in arrears for over a year.
Apparently, the landlord had been communicating with Hussein who chose to keep the information to himself. Perhaps sensing what was to come, he had spent the previous night away from home.
The auctioneers ignored her pleas and took away the car, household furniture including the freezers and cookers she used for her business. In one blow she had lost everything including the tools of her trade.
And her children missed a term of school because she was unable to pay the fees.
Meanwhile, Hussein had moved in with a girlfriend in another estate and cut off all ties with his family.
In addition to their many woes, most women married to irresponsible men usually receive little sympathy, especially from friends and relatives who had ’seen it coming ’ all along.
This is because the men’s behavior seems obvious to others though the wife may choose to ignore or overlook the warning signs.
He gets into debt easily, lives beyond his means and isn’t overly concerned whether bills are paid on time.
He may have a problem with women or drinking and his family comes last on his list of priorities. He may be seen at ’nyama choma’ joints while his family survives on spare meals.
Even if he has a steady job, his family is least likely to benefit from it.
Many irresponsible men are likely to be verbally and physically abusive.
They may demand the wife’s salary and only gives her back enough money for meals and transport. She is not allowed to question how the money is spent.
A second and less noticeable category of irresponsible men, are those with less ambition. Although capable of much more, this man keeps simple jobs.
He hardly earns enough to support his family but resists every attempt to improve his lot. He is happy doing odd jobs.
If he is in permanent job, he rarely seeks promotion or change. Problems arise when a man with low a ambition is married to an ambitious woman.
She wants the trappings of a successful life and believes that if he would only listen to her, they would have it all.
The man on the other hand may not drink or womanize but is content with his station in life. Unfortunately this usually means that the wife ends up supporting the whole family. She has to pay the rent, fees and all other bills.
She may feel frustrated at shouldering all the financial responsibility while the man is frustrated by her overzealous desire to get more.
Neema is married to such a man. She has a well-paying job with an airline while her husband is an artist.
He spends his time drawing cartoons, illustrations for books and magazines and occasionally, painting. What he earns is hardly enough to support his wife and children.
This means that she has to pay all the family’s expenses.
”The most irritating thing is that he just won’t try harder, ”she says.
Neema frequently nags him to get a job with an advertising agency that he is qualified for but shows no interest in it.”
If he had a job, we would be able to pay the children’s fees on time instead of paying in installments, ”she continues. ”The children would have new uniforms instead of (hand –me-downs).
He doesn’t even know where food we eat comes from and he doesn’t care. He just assumes that there will be food on the table when he gets home in the evening without even giving out a single shilling.”
Such a relationship is in a vicious cycle: The more she nags him about his lack of ambition the more he withdraws.
The wife who feels her husband is not pulling his own weight may resent him for it. She accuses him of holding her back or pulling her down. A man may sometimes suffer from a lack of ambition after he loses his job or is retrenched.
The third category of irresponsible men are the toy boys – professional boyfriends of affluent, older women. This man is a male version of the gold-digger.
He seeks out women who already pay their own way and are looking for companionship. He expects his wife or companion to provide for his needs as well as her own.
Such a man usually wants her an easy life without the stress of having to work for it. He wants someone to take care of him and doesn’t like the word responsibility.
Victor, 35, is one such man. He has been dating much older women from the time he was in his twenties. He likes divorced or single women who live well.
His current relationship is with a forty-something divorcée. She pays the rent at the apartment they are living in and has even bought him a car.
Her friends say of the relationship: ”He’s with her for the money and she knows it.” Victor has been known to break off his old relationships when he meets a more affluent woman than his previous girlfriend.
The final category of irresponsible men are those who don’t untie themselves from their parents’ apron strings. Such a man may live at home well into his thirties.
More often than not, he is involved in family business.
His wife is usually required to move into the parents’ home or property.
He does not pay rent; his mother or her workers still cook and wash for him. This man may be scared of responsibility and staking out on his own.
Angelina is married with one child. Her husband, who manages his father’s farm, still lives in one of his parents’flats.
They don’t pay rent and get all their food from the farm.
When the farm is facing cash-flow, problems, Angelina’s husband is sometimes not paid by his parents. At these times, they are expected to understand since it is the family business.
Whenever Angelina needs to buy anything, it has to be discussed by the extended family.
Her in-laws must approve everything including what furniture they buy and what school their child goes to.
Angelina has been trying to convince her husband to move out of his parent’s home and get a job of his own to no avail.
Such men prefer not to shoulder the responsibility for their family and invite their parents or siblings to help.
Such irresponsible men and their ”weaknesses”, a real testimony that sticking to societal norms, values and expectations all along as the basis of covering up for some men to exploit women is now out dated.
Society won’t rescue and fend for men any longer, its pure hardworking and reasoning not male machivism.
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