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Women suffer at the hands of violent men
2006-05-02 08:29:08
By Correspondent Rita Wanza
Hadija is a vivacious, attractive mother of two children, married to a well respected media personality in Dar es Salaam. ’’My husband is charming with the ladies, popular with the men’’, she says.
But there is a dark side to Hadija’s husband, one that even their close friends do not see. ’’At home he is a monster’’
Hadija’s face is etched with anxiety as she continues her story. ’’The problem began few weeks after we had been married. His sisters visited me and we had a good time.
But when they left, my husband threw me on to the sofa wild with rage. I couldn’t believe what was happening.’’
Sadly that was the beginning of Hadija’s ordeal, for over the years she has been battered repeatedly. The abuse seems to follow a predictable cycle.
He beats her, apologizes profusely, promising never to do it again. His contact improves at least for a while. Then the nightmare starts all over again.
Why is Hadija still with him? ’’I keep thinking that he will change,’’ she says ’’even when I run away, I always go back to him’’.
Like Hadija, thousands of women in Tanzania are suffering at the hands of violent men.
Many of them remain silent about their ordeal. They reason that reporting the matter will prove futile.
After all, men always deny the charges with statements such as ’’she tends to exaggerate’’.
It is sad that many women live in fear in the one place they should feel safest their own home. Yet, sympathy is all too often shown to the perpetrator and not the victim.
When a woman is battered, we are quick to blame her and we feel sorry for the husband because the wife is failing him. That’s the way society has been conditioned to think. Sometimes, we are even quick to say that the wife is accusing a fine man.
Many people find it hard to grasp the grim reality of spouse abuse. How can a man be so cruel to a woman he claims to love? And what makes a man turn violent?
Traditionally, society sees it as okay to beat a woman if she is on the wrong, ’’acceptable battering.’’ There is simply no such thing as ’’acceptable battering.’’
It doesn’t matter who was right or wrong and a man who has assaulted his wife is no less criminal than a man who has punched a stranger. Men feel that hitting a woman is acceptable and does not constitute violence.
Evidently, such a warped view often begins in childhood. When your children are playing and your son happens to be hit by your neighbours’ daughter you always say ’’Hassan wewe umepigwa na msichana na wewe ni mwanaume?’’
And that’s how it starts. You are bringing up a potential batterer. And he grows up knowing that men can hit women when provoked and all will be okay.
For some men, they saw their own mothers being battered. They grew up in hostile surroundings where emotional and physical violence were normal.
A male who has been raised in such an environment can adopt his fathers’ contempt for women very early in life.
The boys learn that a man must always be in control of women and that the way to get that control is to scare them, hurt them and demean them. At the same time, he learns that the only sure way to get his fathers approval is to behave as his father does.
Of course, the family environment does not help excuse battering; it helps in explaining where the seeds of a violent temperament were sown.
Many batterers deny responsibility for their actions, claiming that their wives provoked them.
Sometimes, family members may buy in to the idea that the wife is difficult to deal with, so, no wonder the husband loses control now and then.
Mother in laws don’t believe that their sons can actually strike a woman, they always side with their sons and blame the victim, thus justifying the aggressor.
And when a mans mother supports the violence you better get out because it will never end. I know you are wondering how I get to know all this while am only twenty one, I have seen it happen to family friends and neighbours, and I can say it’s never a pretty scene.
Granted, some men are more violent when they have been drinking.
But is it reasonable to blame the alcohol? Being drunk gives the man something to blame, other than himself, for his behaviour.
An abused woman can avoid seeing her partner as abusive, instead thinking of him as a heavy drinker or an alcoholic.
Such thinking, gives the woman the false hope that, if the man would only stop drinking, the violence would cease. The truth is alcohol use does not cause violence. Alcohol is just part of the batterer’s lifestyle.
Often violent men are capable of being delightful friends to others. They put on what we call the Jekyll and Hyde personalities. This is why friends of the family may find stories of their violence unbelievable.
Yet, the truth is the wife beater chooses brutality as a way to dominate his wife.
Sometimes men claim women don’t object to being battered. This idea stems from not understanding the helpless situation of a woman who has nowhere to run.
Like Hadija, she has nowhere to take her kids and she has no income to support her children with.
What option does she have at the end of the day? She stays because she has nowhere to go. She has friends who can take her in for two weeks but what will she do after that?
Finding a job and paying rent while caring for children are daunting prospects and men who cannot understand that may mistakenly believe that such women did not object to the mistreatment.
What choice do women have? If you ask me I will say that we can never change men.
Wife beating is something that has been there since time immemorial. The law can’t set things straight.
Emergency numbers are there to notify the police that a woman has been attacked and not that she is just about to be beaten by her husband.
When a woman goes to court, somehow the case seems to turn against her and she ends up being branded the perpetrator of the crime and not the victim.
So how do we get out of this. Education! When you are educated you have the power to be independent.
When the violence starts you have a choice, you can walk out and move on. It is difficult for a woman with no income to walk out of an abusive relationship.
My grandfather used to tell me that with education I could open so many doors and I believe him.
If we have the knowledge then we will get the jobs, have our own income and be able to make our own independent decisions.
Men always feel threatened by educated women, he can’t even think of slapping you when both of you have the same qualifications. He will respect you.
When a woman is being battered, the best she can do is report to the police. Don’t wait until he kills you.
There is no excuse for battering and he should face the consequences of his acts.
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