Congrats King M7 on your victory

28Feb 2016
Nkwazi Mhango
Guardian On Sunday
Humour
Congrats King M7 on your victory

Dear readers and fans. Greetings from the Republic of M7, sorry, UG, which recently concluded its charade, sorry, general election, that saw long-time domocrat, sorry, democrat, YKM7 win his 60th term in office.

Boozers sent me to observe these elections in order to be able to evaluate how Danganyika has fared as far as chakachuazation is concerned.

As I went through UG’s history, I found that M7 came to power thirty years ago when I was a teen. So, too, I discovered that M7 came to power when former president, Mzee Ruksa Mwinyi, was in his first year in office.

Now the man is retired after Ben Tunituni Kiwila Makapi took over and retired ten years thereafter, before Njaa Jaa Kaya taking over and retiring last year. All the three former presidents served ten years each while M7, just like Bob Jongwe in Zim, is still asking for more.

After the results were announced and M7 declared a winner, I discovered another interesting thing. M7’s nemesis, Dr Ciiza Besigie, was under house arrest for fear that he’d organize his buddies to take to the streets. Importantly, I’d admit, UG’s mess showed that Bongolalala, aka Danganyika, is a wee better comparably.

However, it isn’t good to compare sick persons. What’s more, I discovered that the East African Community has broken a record when it comes to tampering with constitutions and clinging unto ulaji.

Out of five members, it is only two, namely Nyayo country and Danganyika, that respect term limits. As for the rest, namely Urundi, Ruanda and UG, presidents have commuted themselves into democratic kings.

After M7 came out to face the media, I posed as a journalist. Lucky me; I was one of the journos who were allowed to ask him just one question. My question was simple but complex. Before stating the question, I coughed a little and said, “Mr. President-Elect, first of all congratulations on winning big.”

He smiled and replied, “Thank you verrry much.”
I then went on, “Mr. President-Elect, allow me to quote the words you uttered in 1986 when you first came to power.” I went on, “You said,. I quote, ‘The problem of Africa in general and Uganda in particular is not the people, but leaders who want to overstay in power.’” Then I dropped my bombshell as dry as it was, “Mr. President-Elect, do you think your words are still relevant now, especially to UG?”

As usual, M7 stared in my eyes and said, “Young man, first of all thank you. Again, who sent you in the first place? Anyway, I’rr answer your question however sirry it is.” He smiled again and went on, “In Africa term limit is not the issue.

“We talk about God-chosen to stop LGBTs and opposition. I told UGs many times that I’d like to retire. But they said if I do, they’d commit suttee. Who wants his people to die while he's stamina? How can I leave at the time the banana republic I created is becoming ripe?”

Given that I was accorded a chance for one question and Mr. M7 decided to ask me a question, I chipped in with another question. I said, “You’re talking about Africa while in my hunk the term limit is highly respected. Three presidents have already served two terms and retired while you’re still at it. By the way, who appointed you to speak on behalf of Africa?”

Before M7 answered, I found myself held up and bundled out of the conference room. Essentially, when I pondered on what transpired in UG, I discovered that by flouting Zenj’s elections where little bird confided it to me that the big man was defeated (read this silently and tell nobody), I discovered that we tarnished our image pointlessly.

My assessment is that Zenj’s imbroglio has dented even Dr Mugful a great deal more. His boil-cleansing zeal seems to be selective and one-sided.

From M7’s conference, I hit the road to Besigie’s home prison. After greetings, I wanted to know his take of his defeat. He boldly said, “My brother, do you believe in these charades whereby the dictator copied your chakachuazation thing once again? Go figure. And go tell it to the birds. M7 rigged the elections. Methinks they’d have declared him king but not democratically-elected president.”
Hee, makubwa! I said and left. From Besigie’s I went to Nile Mansion Hotel to meet with Gen Olushe Obasanjo, former Nigerian president. He had this to say, “Once again these elections fell short of meeting key democratic benchmarks.”
When I asked him to comment on Zenj, he said, "Do you think there’s any difference there?"

In a nutshell, these are greetings from UG, especially going to Zenj. By the way, does Zenj’s opposition still trust Jechia who messed big time? How far sure are they that he isn’t going to do it again?
Congrats King M7 on your hot victory!