Of going to hell for blaspheming the dad

15Oct 2017
Ali Nassor
The Guardian
Of going to hell for blaspheming the dad

DAD hits again, that’s why I like it here. He spares no rod, lest he spoils his children. He shrugs off allegations of being rude and hot-tempered.

And he gives no damn over what he considers as a public stereotype, likening him to an ant in a lifelong engagement to build its shelter. 

He says the comparison is unfounded since he claims to have adopted the habit of continually changing the look of his house as he deems fit. Is it the 20th round of shuffling his house in about two years of his becoming head of the family? The people in one downtown coffee house were pondering in a self-imposed debate this week.

I like it because while their opinions were mixed as to the number of shuffles, they all agreed that things were not going well with the anointed children. “One is damned for becoming dad’s appointee... it is the kind of a disaster you wouldn’t even wish it befell your enemy,” lamented a man who said he was well close to a village witchdoctor. 

He said he had of late seen his witch friend making fortunes out of dad’s family members flocking to him looking for magic spell that would blind the dad. They want the dad to completely forget about them lest they be appointed to a post that would ultimately wreck them to hell. 

“Being appointed by dad is like letting the hell loose on you,” said another man in support of his friend mentioning scores of professors, talking heads, districts and regional chiefs who were condemned to hell for “human and other errors”. 

“Why not?” questions a friend of mine, adding: “After all, the house and all the belongings without exception are, but dad’s empire”.  He doesn’t spare even the veteran minister who dealt with hippos and elephants and their tusks. 

He has hit hard the man who had been dealing with curious foreigners who braved their bulged wallets travelling all the way from the freezing north to take a glance at our exotic tropical goats, donkeys, snakes, crocodiles and people who still bear resemblance with their ancestors at the Olduvai Gorge.  

The professor was sacked allegedly because he failed to convince foreigners that his compatriots and their environment were indeed aliens who deserved a place in American and European zoos in exchange for foreign peanuts in state coffers.  

Others say he was sacked because he was a former friend to one Eddie, who had been excommunicated from what would later become dad’s holy house.  His successor is also hope against hope as he is fighting for survival in a ministry that had found all his predecessors fired for what was deemed failure.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Now I’m told Professor Tuesday Hoes, the disowned kid and his condemned trio, are secretly expressing regrets for having been born to that kind of dad in whose lexicon there’s nothing like “human error.”  

He says were he the dad in good old days, he would have equally punished the man who ordered the seizure of an illegal consignment in a foreign fishing boat and let the vessel drown. 

He would have taken him to task for letting the foreign ‘pirates’ win a court case to demand compensation for what they had stolen. For him, it wouldn’t sound like a human error, but a crime worth decades behind bars. 

I like it here because the public is used to endless criminal investigations typical of its police detectives. The public members no longer inquire about backlogs of unsolved high profile murders, corruption and mysterious disappearances of both the lowest of the lows and the highest of the highs as long as they frown when they are required to applaud.  

When they ask whereabouts of their lost ones, detectives have the answer on their tip of the tongue: “Look! It’s up to you to tell us where these guys might have disappeared. How the hell do you expect us to trace someone who disappeared on his own volition about a year ago? After all, it’s not only Ben Two o’clock who’s at large. There are dozens others.” 

Yes! While cops are still waiting for civilians to reveal hideouts of Ben Two o’clock and his comrades-in-fate, they are equally put under public pressure to solve the mystery behind assassination attempt on the naughty boy-in-law. About a month ago the usually unknown gunmen brutally attacked him on his way home from a parliamentary session. 

But cops are still standing arms akimbo expecting the public to give them clues about the possible culprits. ”I’m calling upon the public members to assist us with information,” says the chief cop. 

I like it here because it is only then when cops will be really  determined into making serious engagement to solving the crimes. Otherwise the public is looking forward to a suggestion to trace the culprits right from the Kibiti triangle of hell. 

The bandits from Kibiti have reportedly been fleeing their hideouts from down south to as far away as Mwanza, Tanga, and, of course, Dodoma, as of last month. It is widely speculated among the cops circles that the assailants on the naughty boy-in-law were terrorists from Kibiti who collaborated with someone very close to him. 

Citizen journalists say it’s a common scenario as of late for police officers to throng information desks at police stations to find out if a civilian has called the police to either reveal the hideouts of Ben Two O’clock and his peers or reveal identities of the would be assassins of the naughty boy-in-law. Away they go on making their day. But their boss has reportedly gone mad, vehemently fighting what he believes is a slander on his force.

“What made you think that the government is doing nothing? We haven’t ceased doing investigations on Ben Two O’Clock’s disappearance, though we are not sure if he’s dead or alive,” he told the curious scribes last week. 

Backing his boss, the chief cop says; “investigations involve a big task indeed... It is a professional endeavour unlike what amateur scribes would like to portray. We have recruited a team of professionals from various fields to ensure the mystery surrounding this young man’s disappearance is solved.”   

I like it here because it appears that dad’s family has been squarely cornered into defensive strategy that dad’s second in command had to intervene to save his subordinates from the disgrace of inefficiency.

“We are efficient and able enough to tackle and solve all the mysteries and even determine motives behind deaths and disappearances of our people. We don’t need foreign detectives for this,” he said in response to public opinion that calls for foreign intervention in solving crimes that involve the assassination attempt on the naughty boy-in-law that took place last month and that of Ben about a year ago.