Boozer to take racism demo to Bombey

21Feb 2016
Nkwazi Mhango
Guardian On Sunday
Boozer to take racism demo to Bombey

I didn’t intend to revisit racism issue that I tackled last week. But after one bigot wrote me a provocative email, I decided to revisit the same so that I can send a clear message to all those who think they’ll keep on taking us for a ride.

One reader who goes by the name of Brave Hindi wrote me as thus: “You stupid kalu son of Absii (Monkey son of chimp in Hindi language) stop poking your nose into the issues that you don’t know. Don’t make a big deal out of nothing. Do you think your slurs can change anything God ordained? Kalu, kalu kalu kalu ad infinitum.”

After reading this stupefying message, I decided to stand my ground especially after being called monkey son of chimp. If I were the late Chris Mtikisa, I’d have started calling these guys kalus and absiii so that they can feel the pinch Swahili feel when they’re called monkeys and chimps.

To prove that I’m the tough gong as an old boot, I’m now planning to fly to Bombey; and demonstrate to condemn racism done by the same people whom the Caucasians call people of colour. Firstly, before flying to Bombey, I’m intending to secure an appointment with president Makufuli to tell him to cleanse this boil aka jipu.

I’ll tell him to issue an order to kick out all rich tenants from our National Hindi, sorry, Housing Corporation houses so that they can move to their bungalows they rent out to foreign experts. If they think we are kalus and absiii who can’t talk, they’re dead wrong. So, too, I’ll ask Makufuli to rent these houses to the victims whose mbavu za mbwa were demolished in Msimbazi valley so that they can have a taste of their national cake for the first time.

My demo in Bombey’ll be a one-man, and aimed at showing Hindis that even Swahili are not kalu or absiii. If the authorities in Bombey fail to assure me that all this nonsense will stop, I’ll come back to Bongo and start the campaigns of calling their brethren kalu and absiii.

Apart from seeking to end this madness resulting from mental sickness and ignorance, I’ll raise funds intended to establish the biggest university in Africa that’ll admit all Swahili that are currently facing racism in Hindi. Moreover, I’ll raise more funds to establish an ultramodern hospital that’ll admit all Swahili who waste their money going to Apollo.

Thirdly, I’ll raise more funds to make sure that we educate boozers in commerce so that they can control their economy that was left for many generations in the hands of the same dudes calling us absiii.

I’ll seek to debunk the myth that Swahili can’t run their economies while we’ve a lot of Kimaros, Mengis, chingas, kingas and Alawas who can do business more humanly and competently than the kalus, sorry, those who call Swahili kalus and absiiis. Yes, kama mbaya mbaya. We’re tired of racism and disrespect to our boozers. Again, even Swahili should learn favouratism from these guys.

You find a Swahili skipping Swahili’s shop to buy from those calling him kalus. We too have to blame. Stop your roho-ya-kwanini mentality.

Let me take this opportunity to arge Swahili to start supporting one another instead of shying away from each other in doing business something many those calling us kalus exploit and become super rich.

There’s no magic vis-à-vis to those calling us kalu’s success except complicity with our corrupt government high-ranking officers who prefer to do simian biz with these guys simply because they can easily get rid of them when their scandals surface. Now look how we all are referred to as kalus.

Given that Makufuli has decided to cleanse our hunk, I’ll meet with him to tell him to audit National Housing houses to see if there are some that have already illegally been vended to those discriminating us and calling us kalus. If no actions are not taken back home, surely, this will indeed prove how kalus and absiii we are.

These Hindis calling Africans kalus and absiiis are lucky. If the boozer would have been on the helms, Amin’s exercise would have been reenacted. So, too, from now, I urge president Makufuli to make sure that all Bongolalalanders with dual or multi citizenship should choose one as they renounce others, failure to which he’ll be giving those calling us kalus and absiiis bullets to finish us.

Given that travelling to Bombey needs a lot of dosh, please, whoever that reads this iconic piece aimed at fighting racism should generously contribute so as to make my journey-cum-demo a success.

My account number is 00001111a00000 Swiss Bank, Lausanne. As for those who call us kalus and absiiis, I know you’ve made a lot of dosh from exploiting those you call names. If you want me to reduce my speed of taking on you make sure you contribute a lot to show that you don’t support your brothers and sisters in Hindis who call Swahili kalus and absiiis.